Restlessness

Many times I have longed nestle in the arms of my Father, but have been too lazy. It meant stopping and speaking to Him, something I should have been doing already. Now, it seems like it has been weeks since I have been folded beneath His wings. Perhaps He does so to me already, but my running to Him may have been months, even years ago.

And then the shame and guilt of being a horrible Christian pushes me away the more. 

Despite what a rebellious, straying daughter I have been, He has not given me a rock or a scorpion to eat this entire time. In fact, though He has been leading and discipling certainly, for He is a loving Father, He has still offered me feasts of blessings. 

How often, like a guilty child, or like my first parents in Eden, I have slinked about life’s every corner, awaiting some terrible consequence justly unleashed from my Lord because of my wickedness. Yet, He has been so gentle. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench.” He is so loving, gentle, compassionate. Like a shepherd He gently calls for me, leads me. And never does He jolt me so harshly that I long to run away. 
The thing I long to do now is the thing I fear: speak to my Lord, earnestly and uninterrupted. To spend hours with my Savior, listening to His voice, and asking Him what He would have me do. 

One thing He has given to us is the wisdom from fellowship of believers. Yet in the course of pilgrimage, I have not been able to have those same opportunities for speaking to Christian friends about our namesake. Oh, Christ, how lonely You must have been. Yet how satisfied You were with The Spirit! Lord, give me that Spirit, that same holiness and zeal and love and thirt and hunger quenching nurishment that so powerfully sustained You on Earth and forever. How much I long to be cradled by You, to feel the passion of your affections. Yet how much more now I also long to be far away as possible, like the prodigal’s son. Like Adam and Eve in the garden: hidden, naked and ashamed because of what I’ve done. Yet you speak in a still, small, loving whisper. For you are the God Almighty, the Great I Am, the God Who Sees. You are the God of mercy, of healing, of intercession. The king. 

In you there is abundant life and perfect forgiveness 

Forgive me, Lord! 

And thank You.

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